Cheaters Never Win
by beastlycharizard13
Summary: When a few accusations of people cheating on romantic partners start spreading around South Park, the boys discover a website for the very purpose of cheating on someone. The website soon gets hacked and both fake and real profiles are leaked. With people accusing each other of cheating left and right, it's up to the boys to track down who's responsible. RFSP episode 5
1. Chapter 1

RFSP episode 5

Cheaters Never Win

Synopsis: The boys begin to suspect that some of their parents and friends, both married and non-married, are cheating on their partners and spouses. When the boys discover a recently hacked website that exists for that purpose, they discover who in South Park has been using the website. Problem is, some of the leaked reports are fake while some are real. With people in South Park accusing people of cheating left and right, it's up to Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny to track down the origin of the website and put a stop to it.

Cheaters Never Win

Chapter 1-An unsettling discovery

 **A/N: Time for the next episode of RFSP! Yay!**

 **The episodes of Rad Fanon South Park are likely going to vary in length instead of having a fixed length of some sort. Depending on how expansive I feel like the plot can get, some episodes may be longer or shorter than others. If one gets too long, I'll make it a multi-parter.**

 **I have a few predictions about what recent news topics might be parodied in the upcoming Season 19 of South Park, and so this is my attempt at seeing if I can write a story spoofing one of the topics I have on my list of predictions and make it as South Park-y as I can. With that being said, I certainly hope you enjoy this!**

* * *

"Kenny, are you alright dude?"

It was another Thursday morning in South Park and Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny were standing at their usual bus stop waiting for the bus to come pick them up. Kyle had noticed that Kenny looked a bit anxious about something and so he asked him if there was anything wrong.

("No, no…everything's fine.") Kenny muffled a response through his parka.

Kyle raised an eyebrow, a little unsatisfied with Kenny's answer. He could tell that something was bothering Kenny and he wanted to see if he could help.

"Dude, it's OK. If something's bothering you, you can tell us." Kyle glanced over at Cartman. "Well, provided fat ass' ears are plugged first."

"Can it Jew!"

Kenny sighed and elaborated on his problem.

("Well it's just that…I feel like my mom's been…having an affair.")

"Poor boy, your parents are poor as shit alcoholics! I'm surprised they didn't do that YEARS ago!" Cartman replied before receiving a sharp elbow punch from Kyle.

"What makes you think she's having an affair dude?" Kyle asked after he was done physically scolding Cartman.

("My dad was out somewhere late the other night. I woke up in the middle of the night to soft moans and so I peeked inside my parent's room. And it looked like some random dude was banging my mom.")

"Kenny, you're the most perverted person we know, and you're concerned about whose banging who?" Cartman told him, earning him yet another fierce elbow punch from Kyle.

("Oh fuck you Cartman, at least my mom doesn't screw everyone she sees!")

"Ey!"

Stan began to recall the time a few years ago when Kyle thought his parents had an affair.

"Hmm…does anybody remember the time Kyle thought his mom had an affair with the UPS man? And how it just turned out to be his parent's roleplaying?"

"Oh yeah…I do remember that." Kyle recalled.

"Who knows dude?" Stan tried to reassure Kenny. "Maybe it was just your dad in a costume or something."

The bus finally showed up a few minutes later and the boys arrived at South Park Elementary a few minutes after that.

* * *

"Hello there children!" Chef greeted the four boys as they went up to get their lunch. "How's it going?"

("Bad.")

"Why bad?"

"Kenny thinks his mom's having an affair." Stan answered for him.

"Kenny are you sure about that?" Chef asked Kenny.

("I'm pretty sure whoever was in bed with my mom the other night was not my dad. My dad wasn't in the house at that moment anyways! What should I do Chef?")

"Hmm…well the only thing I can really suggest is for you to confront her about the issue." Chef answered. "Just ask her if she's been…doing anything different or something. Now move along children, you're holding up the line."

The boys went over to their table and sat down with Butters, Craig, Jimmy, and the others. The group was pretty silent for some reason, until Stan noticed a kid that looked younger than them, leaving the cafeteria looking pretty upset about something.

"What's up with that guy?" Stan asked the group.

"You didn't hear?" Butters answered. "That's Earl Davis, a 3rd grader. Apparently his girlfriend found some picture on some website that showed him kissing some other girl, so she broke up with him this morning. He's not taking it real well and he swore he never kissed anyone else!"

Kenny dropped his fork on his tray when he heard that. Butters' story…sounded a bit similar to the problem he was facing.

(" _Two possible cases of cheating in one day? What's going on?_ ") Kenny wondered to himself. It was South Park after all, and Kenny suspected something might be up.

("Well that's kind of…odd timing.") Kenny said aloud.

"What d-d-d-do you mean?" Jimmy asked.

("Last night…when my dad was out…I could swear I saw another man and my mom having their way with each other!")

"That is kind of rather odd timing…." Stan pondered. "Butters, you say Earl never kissed another girl?"

"That's what I heard!"

"You guys are such dumb asses." Cartman replied. "If you get caught doing something like that, of course you're going to deny having done it!"

Kenny's phone vibrated a few seconds later, indicating Kenny had received a new unread text message. Kenny pulled out his phone to read it.

("Well whatever we might do about it, count me out for today. Dylan just asked me to go over to Nexton and help him with something after school.")

"Perfect!" Kyle realized. "Just ask him dude! If anybody would know something about an issue like this, it'd be him!"

Kenny rolled his eyes. ("Dude, he's a CIA agent, not a stalker.")

"Still though, ask him if he knows anything."

"Well, uh, Kyle, I'm, uh, not really sure if we really need to raise an alarm or anything." Butters told Kyle. "I mean, this is only two separate cases fellas."

"Well I'm at least going to ask this Earl kid for the whole story." Stan replied. "I've got a hunch something's going on."

* * *

After school let out, Stan looked around for a bit and finally found Earl Davis.

"Hey kid, wait up!" Stan called after him. Earl briefly stopped to turn around to see who called him. Stan walked up to him and began his investigation.

"Are you Earl Davis?"

"Yes, why? Is it about my breakup with Emilia this morning?"

"Erm…yeah. I just uh…wanted to know your…thoughts on it that's all."

Earl raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "And why do you want to know exactly?"

"Didn't you deny cheating on Emilia?"

"Yes, but she wouldn't believe me. She left the scene and said that we're through. She broke up with me and…it hurt." Earl's face dropped as the sadness he had felt earlier was beginning to return.

"But where do you think she got that photo of you with this alleged other girl from?"

"How the hell should I know!?" Earl replied. "She just said that she found my account that she thinks I have on some website-."

"Website?"

"Yeah! She claimed she got that stupid picture off of my supposed account I have on some website called Ashley Jr!"

"Ashley Jr? What the hell is that?"

"Beats me! Feel free to take a look at it I guess."

* * *

It was after school when Stan dragged Kyle to his house and upstairs to his room and over to the computer to check out the website Earl had mentioned. Kyle wasn't quite sure why Stan was getting so wrapped up in this topic.

"Why exactly do you want me to be a part of this investigation?" Kyle asked. Stan just shrugged his shoulders and opened up the Internet browser and began searching for Ashley Jr.

"Really Stan, I don't think this is really something to be poking our noses in or anything."

"Why not?"

"You know…privacy and shit. If Kenny's mom is really having an affair, then that's a private matter with Kenny's family."

"Oh is it? Well for the record Kyle, you were the one who was probing him about it."

"I was not probing! I was just telling him that if he has a secret or something, it'd be safe with us!"

Stan just rolled his eyes as he continued searching for the website. A few seconds later, Stan and Kyle were gazing at the homepage of Ashley Jr. The website's slogan "Life isn't long enough, so cheat." was listed below the website's logo.

"What kind of slogan is that!?" Stan asked surprisingly.

Stan continued to scroll through the website with Kyle watching. Eventually he found the "About" page and clicked on it.

"About us." Kyle began to read aloud. "We are a website dedicated to the practice of cheating…on one's romantic partners!?"

"Dude! What the fuck!?" Stan replied. "What kind of person would make that a service!? How long has this thing been up!?" Stan asked as he scrolled to the bottom of the page, only to gain a puzzled look on his face. "It says here the website's only been up for two years! And yet it somehow has millions and millions of users!"

"Millions!? A website like this got that many users in that short time period!?"

Stan got out of the chair and walked a few steps away, his face awash with shock and disbelief. "Dude…I don't get it…why would anybody want to exploit people's desire for dishonestly like that?"

Kyle snapped his fingers, having thought of an idea. He got on the computer and began a search on the website's internal search engine.

"What are you doing?" Stan asked once he walked back over.

"I'm seeing if Kenny's mom has an account on here. If she does, then that means Kenny's suspicions are correct!"

A few minutes of searching later, and Kyle hadn't found anything. Stan then suggested they should look and see if there was an account under Earl Davis, the kid he had talked to earlier. A few seconds later, the boys had located a profile under the name of "Earl_Davis12"

"So this is the kid that Butters was talking about?" Kyle asked.

"Yeah it is. I talked to him earlier and he swore that he had never heard of this website before, but that his girlfriend had found a picture of him on it."

Kyle scrolled down to a section on the profile labeled "Interacted with"

"Looks like this is a list of the users he's met with offline." Stan pointed out. Kyle clicked on it and pulled up a list of usernames with the zip codes of where they lived below each name.

"Well this is strange." Kyle remarked.

"How?"

"There's a zip code listed under each person on this list. It's the zip code for where each user lives."

"So?"

"Look at the codes themselves dude!"

"Stan glanced at the list. "What's strange about that? South Park's zip code is what's listed for about 80 percent of the people on this list-oh my God…."

"There's no doubt about it Stan." Kyle concluded. "It seems like South Park may have a loyalty problem!"

"Hey look!" Stan pointed at a few select users on the list. "If these other zip codes are correct, Earl Davis has met with people not only from South Park, but people from Kentucky, Maine, and Arkansas too!"

"Kentucky, Maine, and Arkansas?" Kyle wondered aloud. "But why would somebody from Colorado want to cheat on their girlfriend with somebody from the other side of the country? That doesn't make any sense!"

"Either way, I suppose that Earl was lying…he does have an ashleyjr account."

"Should we tell him we found it?"

Stan once again donned a look of confusion and puzzlement. "Wait, hold on a second…the only way that Emilia would've known that Earl had an account…was if she went on the site herself!"

"That could be." Kyle agreed. "Or maybe somebody else gave her the picture and she did a search on Earl as a result."

"True."

"Well, whatever the case is, I think this is something I'd rather not get involved in. We should leave any further searching on Kenny's mom to Kenny."

"Good idea. I just hope this doesn't get out of hand."

* * *

As much as Stan didn't want to delve any further into this mystery, the fact that crazy shit happens to him all the time forced him to resume his investigation.

Stan was getting stuff out of his locker at school the next morning when Bebe walked up to him looking quite pissed off.

"Am I a joke to you Stan!?"

Stan turned around to face her, confused as to what she could be mad about.

"Excuse me?"

"Do you care to explain THIS!?" She yelled as she shoved a piece of paper in his face. Stan took it and read it over…and couldn't believe his eyes. It was a printed version of an Ashley Jr. profile…with his name and picture on it!

* * *

 **A/N: Kind of short I know, but hopefully I can still make this plot work somehow.**

 **And as a disclaimer, I do not endorse acts of adultery or any kind of cheating on romantic partners/spouses. This story is purely for amusement purposes only.**

 **I'm not sure how many chapters this story will have, but I'm guaranteeing you at least 3. I was originally going to have this done by the 16** **th** **to see if I could beat the show to a story spoofing the Ashley Madison hack, but that would require me rushing this a bit, and I'd rather take my time and make a good story then rush it and have it be all sloppy.**

 **But anyways, please let me know what you think of the story so far by leaving a review! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

RFSP episode #105

Cheaters Never Win

Chapter 2-Digging deeper

* * *

Stan didn't know what to say. He stared blankly at the piece of paper in disbelief. He hadn't set up an Ashley Jr. account, so why was there one with his name and face on it!?

"Well!?" Bebe demanded. "Stan, do you have something to tell me?"

"Bebe, I don't know what this is, but I swear I'm not using that website!"

"That's what not this paper's telling me!"

Stan thought for a moment and then realized something.

"Well…how come YOU were on there in the first place? Do you have an account there or something?"

Bebe looked a bit taken aback by that. "No, I only went on there to see if you did!"

"What makes you think I would!? Do you not trust me?"

"Well I'm certainly not exactly willing to trust you right now." She snorted

"Well then why should I trust you since you couldn't trust me?" Stan retorted.

Bebe scrunched her eyebrows again. "Because this says you've made out with other girls from South Park, plus Nevada and Idaho!"

"Bebe, please!" Stan began to plead with her. "I swear that I didn't do this!"

Still angry and not knowing what to believe, Bebe just turned around and walked away in a huff. Stan tried to follow her, but he stopped after a few seconds.

" _What the fuck is going on!?"_ Stan thought to himself. _"I'd never cheat on Bebe! Hmm…now I know how Earl feels…wait a minute…of course!"_

* * *

Stan found Kyle a few minutes later and told him what had happened earlier.

"It's just so weird…first Earl and now me?"

Kyle thought about it for a moment. "And I'm guessing you're denying it too?"

"Kyle! Dude, I know for a fact I'm not registered on that site! I think somebody make a fake account with my name on it!"

"So what, do you think somebody made a fake account with Earl's name?"

"Possibly. But I think we need to look into this a little more before we start a thorough investigation."

"Well what do you suggest we do then?"

It took him a while, but Stan finally thought of an idea that might possibly work.

"We track down these other girls that I've allegedly made out with. Maybe they can help me clear my name."

Stan and Kyle glanced at the Ashley Jr profile to see if there were any names on there they recognized. Out of the ten names on there that were listed in South Park, eight of them were other 4th graders at South Park Elementary.

"Hey check this out!" Stan noticed. "It says here one of the people I've seen is some 3rd grade girl!"

"So?"

"Take a look." Stan told Kyle as he pointed at the name in question. Kyle realized that the name Stan was pointing at was none other than Earl's girlfriend, Emilia Knight.

"Should we tell either of them?"

"If we do, I'd think the one to talk to would be Emilia. She thought Earl was using the site which would require her to be using the site too. The fact that she's on this list may or may not tell us that she has an account."

* * *

Later that night at the run-down McCormick residence Kenny, while he and his family were eating their typical dinner of Pop-Tarts and frozen waffles, decided to take Chef's advice and confront his parents on his accusation.

("So…mom.") Kenny asked in his trademark muffled voice. ("Did you…make a new friend the other day?")

"Excuse me?" Mrs. McCormick replied out of confusion. She wasn't quite sure what her son was trying to ask.

Kenny had to try his best to disguise the overall question in a way that he could get the message to both his parents without causing a stir, if at all possible. He soon found out that was a very difficult task, as his parents seemed to be quite clueless to Kenny's disguised tone of the questions he asked them.

("You know…the other day, or night to be a bit more precise.")

"Kenny, what the hell are you saying?"

("Something dad should know…you know.")

"Wait, what?" Stuart replied, having finally sold his attention to the conversation.

Kenny wasn't ready to give up so quickly.

("Well you know…sometimes you can vow to never do something, but still do it anyways.")

"Huh?" was all that elicited from his parents.

("After all, you know what they say…honesty is the best policy.")

"Kenny what the hell are you trying to say?"

Kenny groaned out of annoyance and just decided to prematurely give up for the moment.

("Never mind.")

Kenny's parents looked at each other curiously, looked at Kenny curiously, shrugged their shoulders, and resumed eating their dinner.

* * *

Later that night, Kenny lay awake in his bed. Usually by this point at night, he'd be patrolling the streets as his secret alter-ego Mysterion, but right now he had other priorities. He was going to try and catch his mom in the act. At this point, Kenny determined that'd be the best way of handling it.

After what felt like an eternity to him, Kenny finally heard the sounds of sexual intercourse coming from his parent's bedroom. This was his chance. He sprung out of bed and tiptoed as quietly and as sneakily as he could down the hall to his parent's room. Luckily for him, the door was already cracked open ajar. He poked his face enough through the opening so as not to be seen and so he could still get a good view of the inside of the room.

What he saw as exactly what he saw the other night. Although it was hard to make it out in the dark, he was certain he saw his mother laying on top of another man and having her way with him. He contemplated walking in on them so he could confirm his suspicions once and for all, but something told him to hold back on that. Kenny ducked out of the doorway and decided it was time for his nightly patrol.

* * *

Several minutes later, Mysterion was hopping across the rooftops of South Park, looking for any kind of trouble, ranging from homeless people mugging random bystanders to certain fat asses trying to take his job. Either that or the rare instance of a certain kind of chaos….

" _Is it possible that he might know something though?"_ Mysterion thought to himself as he stood on the roof of the community center. _"He was the first one of us to know about that Earl kid. I'd ask the cops, but this isn't really a legal matter…as far as I know anyways. Besides, everyone knows that this town's police force, for the most part, capable of anything other than jack shit. Although I have to give them credit for how determined they were to take down the cock magic ring. I just wish it didn't happen in the middle of a game that I was clearly winning."_

Mysterion's thoughts were interrupted by a certain all too familiar obnoxious sounding whine.

"Hey, HEY! I called the patrol for tonight asshole!" roared the voice from behind. Mysterion turned around and found himself confronted by none other than The Coon.

"You don't call dibs on patrol fat ass!" Mysterion replied. "This is my job!"

"Oh fuck you Kenny!" The Coon retorted. "Everyone needs The Coon. Everyone loves The Coon!"

"You fucking teamed up with Cthulhu!"

The Coon waved his hand in front of his nose. "Your breath smells like blueberry Pop-Tarts dude!"

"Just stay out of my way fat ass, I've got something I need to investigate."

* * *

Moments later, Mysterion found himself at the storage facility. He walked through the rows of storage units when he finally found the one he was looking for. Luckily for him, the door was partially open, so he just casually slid underneath it and entered the unit. He walked to the back and found the two people he was looking for. It was the very essence of chaos itself, Professor Chaos, along with his trusty right-hand man, General Disarray.

"Well, well, well…look who came crawling to chaos!" General Disarray pointed out.

"MWAHAHAHA!" Professor Chaos cackled. "So the fool has decided to confront me in my own evil lair! Very foolish Mysterion! Very foolish indeed!"

Mysterion needed to get down to business as quick as possible.

"Cut the crap Chaos!" Mysterion threatened the pair. "I just have one question for you. Do you know anything about the recent epidemic?"

Professor Chaos momentarily replaced his wicked grin with a look of utter confusion.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know what I mean. First, I suspect my mom's having an affair, and now this Ashley whatever site pops up, along with a fake profile registered under Stan's name. Tell me Chaos, was this your plan?"

"No!"

"And why should I trust you?"

"Because I'm working on my next master plan in here!" Professor Chaos and General Disarray motioned to a table behind them where a small cooler, a lighter, and bags of ice were placed.

"Um…what is that?"

"Like I said, it's my next master plan! I plan on taking all the ice in South Park and melting it so that when people open their coolers, they'll only find a large puddle of water! MWAHAHAHA!"

Mysterion pinched the bridge out of his nose out of disbelief that even Chaos could be that stupid.

"You idiot…we live in the mountains! And where there's snow, there's ICE! Your plan would never work!"

Professor Chaos donned a look of disappointment for a second, but then changed it back to his evil grin.

"Well…uh…that doesn't matter! It'll still inconvenience everyone!"

Mysterion rolled his eyes, deciding that this "evil plot" wasn't worth his time, and left the storage facility.

* * *

Stan was once again searching through Ashley Jr, trying to find an account with Kenny's mom's name on it. When a half an hour of searching turned up fruitless, he went back to the fake profile that had been set up for him to check if anything had changed. After a thorough examination of the "Interacted with" list, he found out that the profile claimed he had cheated on Bebe with not only Emilia Knight, but Sally Turner, Patty Nelson, and Nichole as well.

"Nichole? Oh shit, I hope Token doesn't see this!"

Saying Token's name out loud prompted Stan to do another search to see if Token's name showed up, and sure enough, there was an account registered under the user name of Token_Black93. He clicked on the profile's "Interacted with" list. The list claimed that, from South Park anyways, Token had interacted with two 5th grade girls, Heidi Turner, and Bebe, much to his surprise.

"Wait, Bebe has an account!?"

Stan immediately did a search on Bebe's name and found an account with the user name of Bebe_Stevens05. Oddly enough however, Stan's name was listed on her "Interacted with" list.

"OK, now I'm confused." Stan pondered out loud. "If my name is on her account, then why isn't her name on mine? And we're a couple anyways; you can't cheat on your partner with your partner!"

He continued scrolling through the list until he found one name on there that that instantly enraged him. He printed off the list and put it in his backpack for tomorrow.

* * *

The next morning Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny stood at their usual bus stop, but Stan and Cartman looked pretty pissed off.

("Um…you OK Stan?") Kenny asked him in his muffled voice.

"I don't know Kenny, am I!?"

("Um…what?")

"You know Kenny, that's awfully hypocritical of you!"

("What?")

"You're concerned that your mom's having an affair, and yet you go and have one yourself at my expense!"

("What!?")

"Don't try and deny it Kenny!" Stan said as he pulled out Bebe's Ashley Jr profile he had printed last night. "You mind telling me why YOUR name is on an Ashley Jr profile that might belong to Bebe!?" Stan shoved the paper in Kenny's face. Kenny began reading it over.

("Dude, I swear, I don't know why the fuck my name is on here!")

"Bull shit!"

"Which reminds me Stan!" Cartman added angrily. "I thought you and Wendy were just close friends now!"

Stan instantly went from mad to confused.

"What?"

"You're in no position to be berating Kenny for doing the exact same thing that you've been doing you dick face!"

"Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about asshole! How come I found your name on the 'Interacted with' list for a profile under Wendy's name!?" Cartman yelled as he shoved a printed profile in Stan's face. Stan glanced at the paper in disbelief.

"I didn't do that!"

"That's not what the paper says asshole!"

Kyle tried to unsuccessfully defend Stan.

"Cartman, we think there's a couple of fake profiles being created so I'm sure that-."

"Don't think I forgot about you Kyle! Your name's on that list too you dirty Jew!"

Kyle glanced at the paper Stan was holding and saw that his name was also on there, right next to Stan's.

"Cartman you dumb ass! Why would I kiss Wendy!?"

"Because this is one of your little Jew schemes and I know it! You're doing this just to piss me off aren't you Kyle!?"

"If I'm going to piss you off, I wouldn't go that route you stupid fat ass!"

The boys kept arguing back and forth until the bus finally showed up.

* * *

Once they got to school, Stan managed to find Bebe at her locker and cleared his throat to get her attention. She turned around and frowned when she saw it was him, since she was still upset about finding his Ashley Jr page.

"What do you want?" she huffed.

Stan just held out the printed profile page for her to see.

"So you apparently joined Ashley Jr before I supposedly did huh?" Stan snorted.

Bebe glanced over the paper in bewilderment, not being able to tell if this was some sort of revenge her boyfriend had done.

"Stan I-."

"No, no, I see how it is!" Stan shot back and interrupted. "You think I've been cheating on you, so you turn around and do it yourself out of revenge, is that it?"

"I didn't make this!"

"Well I didn't make mine!"

Stan and Bebe continued bickering at each other for a few minutes before walking away in opposite directions out of frustration towards each other. Stan remembered that Token was on Bebe's "Interacted with" list, so he went to go pay him an angry visit.

"Do you have a problem Token!?" Stan yelled at Token when he approached him at his locker.

"Excuse me?" Token replied out of confusion, not having the slightest idea what was going on.

"Did you forget that you're in a relationship too!?"

"Stan, what are you talking about?"

"The fact that Bebe's cheating on me with you!"

"What!?"

Stan shoved the profile page in his face. Token took it and read it over, unsure of how to react.

"OK Stan, I swear I have not been seeing Bebe, in that sense. Why would I do that?"

"Well then why is your name on it!?"

"How the fuck should I know! I don't even know what this Ashely whatever site is!"

* * *

Word had quickly spread around the school, and pretty soon the whole town, about the website. It wasn't very long before more and more people started throwing accusations left and right, and pretty soon the issue had begun to include married couples as well. And despite all of this, there had still yet to be any evidence of Kenny's mom having an affair, as an Ashley Jr profile with her name had still yet to be found.

Unfortunately for Kyle, he had the unpleasant experience of finding out how the problem had escalated when he got home after school three days later. Kyle opened the door and entered his house to find his father sitting on the couch and watching the news by himself, looking pretty mad.

"Uh Dad? Are you OK?"

Gerald noticed that his son had walked in and instantly calmed down.

"Oh, hi Kyle!"

"Where's mom?"

"Right now, I couldn't really care less."

"Why not dude?"

"Your mother has apparently lost all loyalty she's ever held towards me."

"Say what?"

"Kyle, do you have any idea what Ashely Jr is?"

Kyle froze and let his mouth hang open a bit. He turned back around to face his father.

"Ashley…Jr?"

"So you've heard of it too?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well I don't know who left it there, but when I got home a few minutes ago, I found a printed off version of an Ashley Jr profile with your mother's name on it! According to her profile, she's had an affair with your teacher!"

Now Kyle was just flat out repulsed. The thought of his mother and Mr. Garrison having sexual relations he found flat out gross. He didn't even want to think about what Mr. Garrison would have had Mr. Hat do during it if they really did have an affair.

"Eww, why would mom do that with Mr. Garrison?"

"How should I know!?"

"Well that's really weird though…how has this gotten worse?" Kyle asked out loud.

"What do you mean?"

"There's an epidemic going around school of alleged Ashley Jr profiles. And before that happened, Kenny thought his mom was having an affair!"

That's when Kyle realized that he needed to see Kenny. Now.

"Where are you going?" Gerald called after his son as he left the house.

"To try and get to the bottom of all this before anymore relationships and marriages get hurt!"

* * *

 **A/N: And chapter 2 of episode 5 is finally done! Sorry it took me over a week to get this done, but like I said, I didn't want to rush things. There will likely be only two more chapters left.**

 **But until then, please leave feedback!**


	3. Chapter 3

RFSP episode #105

Cheaters Never Win

Chapter 3-The reason

* * *

"Kenny!"

It was a few minutes after Kyle left the house that he spotted Kenny walking around town. Kyle figured Stan and Cartman would both be preoccupied with their own Ashley Jr. problems to really try and delve deeper into the epidemic, so Kyle realized he needed to team up with Kenny if he wanted to get somewhere.

("What dude?")

"I need your help. Now I know how you feel…kind of."

("What? Your parents seeing other people too?")

"That's what my dad thinks. When I got home he said somebody had left an Ashley Jr. profile with my mom's name on it on our doorstep!"

("Who does it say she had a home run with?")

"I don't think you want to know dude."

("Oh please, it can't be that bad.")

"Fine. It was…uh…*ahem* Mr. Garrison."

Kenny just stood there blankly for a few seconds as he absorbed the information before letting out a moan of disgust.

("Do you think Mr. Hat was involved?")

"Ugh, I don't want to know that much!"

("Anyway, I did some snooping, and it turns out that an employee of Ashley Jr. lives here in South Park!")

"Really!? Who is it?"

("I'm not sure. After all the research I did, I was only able to muster up an address. I'd get Stan and Cartman to come with us, but I don't think they'd be willing to work with us after this morning.")

"So where's the address located dude?"

* * *

After what felt like hours of searching as well as what felt like circumnavigating the entire town twice, Kyle and Kenny finally came across the house they were looking for. The two stole a quick glance at each other, unsure of whom the alleged mastermind could be, but they both realized it was most likely somebody they didn't know. Well, they were about to be proven wrong.

Kyle decided to knock on the door and when he did; neither he nor Kenny was expecting Earl Davis to answer it.

"Earl!?"

Earl's eyes grew wide, knowing what Kyle and Kenny's reactions could mean. He tried to slam the door, but Kyle caught it with his foot and grabbed Earl by the shirt and yanked him outside. He plopped Earl on the doorstep where he was cornered by Kenny and Kyle.

"So YOU'RE the one creating fake Ashley Jr. accounts huh!?"

Earl came clean, realizing there was no sense in denying it.

"OK, OK, I admit it! Yes, it was me! I do work for Ashley Jr.! I didn't want to make all those fake accounts, but my boss told me she'd fire me if I didn't!"

"Well-wait a minute." Kyle paused. "Ashley Jr. is run by a girl?"

"Yeah, it is. And she's about our age too. Most of the site's employees are, myself including."

("But why would you create a fake profile with YOUR name on it?")

"Well how else was I going to make sure people didn't think this was all my doing?"

("And you were willing to lose Emilia for that?")

"Uh…actually…she knows about all this. I got her to play along and stage our break-up."

Kyle and Kenny stood there for a moment, both completely speechless.

"Then how the fuck are you guys together at all!? She doesn't mind that her boyfriend works for a website whose sole purpose is to make money off of romantic cheaters!?"

"Well, when she found out, she was questionable at first." Earl continued. "She began to doubt my loyalty towards her and it took me a while to convince her that I'd never cheat on her, and even after she finally believed me, I still haven't. B-but I have a request for you Kyle!"

"What?" Kyle asked out of confusion.

"Creating all these fake accounts is starting to give me repetitive stress injury. I was thinking of suing my boss for it, and so I was wondering if I could get your dad to help me? Please?"

Kyle thought about it for a bit before giving an answer.

"It depends: Did YOU make the account with my mom's name on it?"

"I'm not sure, but I don't think I've ever seen an account with the last name 'Broflovski' before. We can go check if you want."

* * *

Minutes later, the three boys were up in Earl's bedroom. Earl was working on his computer, leafing through all the Ashley Jr. profiles he could find as Kenny and Kyle looked on.

"OK, I found something."

"Well?" Kyle asked.

"There IS an account under the user name 'Sheila_Broflovski41'."

Kyle looked angry and looked about ready to punch Earl, thinking he had made the fake Internet profile that was possibly jeopardizing his parent's marriage.

"Kyle, I swear on my life, that I did NOT make that one!" Earl told him after seeing Kyle's pissed off look. Earl's swear was enough to convince Kyle and he calmed down. Kenny asked Earl to do a search for an account with his mother's name on it, but nothing came up after ten minutes of scouring the database.

("Strange…anyway, which profiles are fake and which are real?")

"I'm not allowed to disclose such information-ah fuck it! Serves that bitch right for giving me repetitive stress injury! Give me a moment."

Earl, wanting to get revenge on his boss and well aware that doing so could get him fired, began furiously typing on the computer as he pulled up every fake profile that he had created since his boss assigned him the task two weeks prior.

"There it is! These are the fake profiles I've been forced to make!"

Kyle and Kenny glanced over the list and noticed that it contained over 10,000 fake accounts. Earl clicked a button and filtered out all the ones that weren't from South Park, effectively making the list a lot shorter. After analyzing the list, Kyle and Kenny had discovered that 98% of all South Park accounts ever created were on this list.

"Let's see…." Kyle said as he glanced over the fake ones. "Token's is fake, Wendy's is fake, mine's fake, Stan's is, Mom's is, Mr. Garrison's is…that's just about everyone…well out of all the people we know anyway."

("I see one name that's not on there.")

"Who?"

("Bebe's.")

"Ooohhhh…." Kyle groaned. "Gosh…poor Stan. Should we tell him?"

("What he doesn't know can't hurt him…right?")

"Yeah but…I'm not going to be able to live with myself, if I don't tell him, I just know it. He is my best friend after all."

("Alright then.")

"Guys, I'm really sorry that I had to drag you into all of this." Earl apologized again.

"It's OK Earl, you were forced to. Can you just tell my parents that my mom's account is fake?"

"Sure thing! Can you mention to your dad my intent on suing my boss?"

"You bet! Just one more question though…exactly how did this epidemic start in the first place? Did your boss tell you to do that too?"

Earl groaned. "Ugh, no. The website was hacked recently. I already had the fake profiles all set up, I never intended for any of you to see them. But the other day, some asshole hacked the site, and the next thing I know, people are discovering the fake accounts I made. I didn't want people to find out it was me, so I made one for myself and got Emilia to stage the break-up. But it wasn't just the fake profiles that were leaked; the real ones were exposed too. I believe a class action lawsuit is being filed by some of the people whose information was leaked through the hack. Take that Katy you fucking bitch!"

"Who's Katy?"

"My boss. She lives all the way in Canada as a matter of fact!"

"This thing is Canadian based!?"

"Yep."

("So what do you suggest we do dude?")

"I'll start spreading the word about the fake accounts." Earl suggested, completely uncaring about his employment status at the moment. "Kyle, you go tell your dad that their marriage is safe and ask him if he'll be my lawyer for this and we'll take it from there. This is revenge Katy!"

* * *

Kyle waited until dinner that night to ask his dad about being Earl's lawyer. Gerald and Sheila had had a nasty argument earlier over Sheila's alleged Ashley Jr. account, but it quickly subsided once the news was spread that some accounts were fake, Sheila's including.

"I just can't believe somebody would have the audacity, the nerve, to run a website like this!" Gerald angrily exclaimed during dinner, now that he knew his marriage could've been damaged over a fake Internet profile.

"Well actually, Ashley Jr. is mainly targeted towards minors." Kyle explained. "Earl told me only about 10% of its members are adults. Hence the 'Junior' part of the name."

"That's even worse! Preying upon a young clientele like that! The balls this guy has to do all of this!"

"Uh, actually…the website's run by a GIRL." Kyle replied. Gerald looked a little surprised at that fact.

"So will you be Earl's lawyer?" Kyle asked his father.

"Damn right I will be!" Gerald exclaimed after he realized this was his way of getting revenge on the website for jeopardizing his marriage.

"So how many of South Park's Ashley Jr. accounts are real?" Sheila asked Kyle once Gerald finished his angry rant.

"Only two percent!"

"Is it anyone we know?"

"Yeah. It's…um…Bebe actually."

Sheila, Gerald, and Ike all dropped their forks out of shock.

"You mean Stan's girlfriend!?" Sheila asked.

"Yeah…I'm not sure if I should tell him or not…."

"Well he is your best friend Kyle." Sheila replied. "I think it's the right thing to do."

"Yeah but the thing is, Stan already knows. He's just unaware about the fake account epidemic. And even if he thinks hers is fake, he has no idea that it's real. They were already in hot water before that, when Bebe found a fake account with Stan's name on it, which is also fake."

"Well, after all this is over, I still think this'd be the right thing to do Kyle."

Kyle sighed, still unsure of whether or not he should tell Stan after all.

* * *

The next day, Earl had successfully gotten the word out about the fake accounts, although the news hadn't quite settled with South Park just yet, and so people were still uptight.

Gerald, Earl, Kenny, and Kyle decided to visit Earl's boss Katy directly to announce the lawsuit. Getting to Canada was no problem, as Kenny simply called Dylan and asked him to give them a lift on his private jet.

"Whoa, he's got a PRIVATE JET!?" Kyle exclaimed.

("You ought to see just how much other stuff he's obtained over the years.") Kenny replied.

"Just how much money did he make from The Agency?"

Kenny chuckled. ("Beats me! He was nowhere near running out before we went to Nexton last year and being a CIA agent is certainly piling on more of it!")

"By the way, did he ever get the two million dollars back that Chris had with him when we were in Atlanta on the run from Davenport?"

("Oh that? Oh yeah, he recovered that money pretty soon after we defeated Davenport.")

* * *

The group reached Toronto a little while later. Earl had hacked the Ashley Jr. server to figure out Katy's exact address and they had no trouble locating it.

Earl volunteered himself to knock loudly and angrily on the front door when they arrived.

"Katy! I know you're in there! Open up!" Earl said over the loud noise he was making by pounding his fist on the door.

Eventually, the door opened and a young Canadian girl that looked about Earl's age stepped outside, looking a tad peeved about the fact that somebody could've broke down her door.

"Well, well!" Katy exclaimed smugly once she recognized Earl. "If it isn't Earl! Here to voice a complaint I assume?" she asked with the smuggest grin Kyle had ever seen.

"Close!" Earl angrily replied. "I'm here to tell you that I'm suing your ass and your face!"

Suddenly Katy's facial expression went from smug to worried. "W-what the hell for!?"

"Thanks to you, I have repetitive stress injury! I'm sick of making all those bullshit accounts!"

"You can't sue me!"

"Why the fuck not!?"

"Because I'm already being sued by the people that organized class action suit! And they won! Do you know how much that cost me? I can't afford another one!"

"Well you should have thought of that before mandating I go and injure myself!"

Earl and Katy just stared angrily at each other for a few seconds before Kyle finally broke the silence with a question he had wanted to know.

"Why do you even do this in the first place?"

Katy paused and turned to look at Kyle.

"Well, why not?"

"Because it's just…sick! It's one thing when people are dishonest to each other like that, but don't you think making profits off of them is going too far!?"

"So what? I'm not the only one out there who likes to single out the people with the least amount of self-control. Am I any worse than the alcohol industry? Or how about the tobacco industry? It's just like when your little friend was addicted to the Terrance and Phillip mobile game you know."

Kyle and Kenny both looked stunned.

("You know about that?")

"Earl told me and he said he heard it from a couple of other people. But my point is, it's no different from other companies that draw the biggest part of the profits from those that can't help themselves."

"But you can be better than them by just staying out of it!" Kyle retorted.

"But who's to say nobody on Ashley Jr. is single, huh boys?" Katy asked them. "The fact that I make money off of this is irrelevant. People would still find a way to have their affairs. Ever heard of the phrase 'When there's a will, there's a way'?"

Kyle didn't respond. He had given up trying to convince this kid of anything. And as much as he didn't want to agree with her, he kind of did…just a little bit.

"Well however you want to justify your business Miss Katy, my client is still seeking a legal battle for his injury!" Gerald told Katy. Earl nodded angrily towards Katy in agreement with Gerald.

"I have a better idea." Katy replied with a bit of arrogance in her voice. "How about we just delete all the fake accounts, never make one of them again, and just forget this whole thing?"

"How about I just kiss your ass!" Earl replied.

"So be it then!" Katy said to Earl. "I guess I'll see you in court then!" Katy yelled as she slammed the door in their face.

* * *

Earl and Gerald did wind up bringing Katy to court after all. It got a bit complicated due to Katy being Canadian and Earl being American, but in the end, Katy's lawyer was no match for Gerald. Luckily for Katy, the amount of money she had to fork over was only 20% of what she had to pay to the people that filed the class action suit against her. As soon as Earl received the money, he resigned from his job at Ashely Jr. stating "I am no longer comfortable with exploiting people's romantic and sexual affairs. I had no idea I wanted to stop doing it until some kid at school helped me realize it. Also, I'm quitting because Katy's always been a fucking asshole to me, no matter how hard I worked."

As part of the settlement that resulted from the lawsuit, Katy was ordered to disclose the information on which accounts were fake. Pretty soon, all the tension that had built up in South Park calmed itself and everyone was on good terms with each other again.

But even after the Katy disclosed the names of the fake accounts, Stan still had no idea that Bebe's account was real. Kyle decided to take his mother's advice and tell Stan after all.

"Um…Stan?" Kyle asked Stan when he was at his locker at the end of the day.

"What dude?" Stan asked.

"Are you and Bebe by chance back on good terms with each other?"

"Well yeah, dude we all are. I now know she never cheated on me with Token or Kenny, she knows I never kissed Sally Turner or anybody from Idaho or Nevada, and Cartman knows Wendy didn't kiss either of us behind his back. And your parents' marriage was saved. I'd say were all back on good terms with each other."

Kyle, not wanting to flat out directly tell him about Bebe, tried to drop hints the best he could.

"Yeah but…I can't help but feel that there's something we missed."

Stan looked up at him out of confusion.

"Huh?"

"I mean…typically this would be the moment where one of us says 'You see, I learned something today' or some other equally retarded speech. And I guess the lesson this time is…cheaters never win?"

"Kyle, you're losing me here."

Kyle gave up, pinched the bridge of his nose, and just told him the direct truth.

"Stan, I'm really sorry, but it turns out Bebe's Ashley Jr. account is real."

"WHAT!?"

"But it was just her! Kenny's is still fake, and so is Token's! So I doubt she made out with either of them!"

"How could she!?" Stan yelled in anger.

* * *

Stan ran out of school trying to find Bebe. After walking all around town, he finally caught sight of her sitting on the bench at Stark's Pond by herself. He began fast walking up there in full force, still angry over the possibility that her account was real. However when he got closer, he thought he heard her crying, so he slowed down and calmed himself before going any further. He walked up to the bench and sat down next to her.

"Bebe? What's wrong?"

Bebe stopped momentarily when she saw that Stan had found her.

"I-I'm sorry Stan." She pleaded through her tears.

"What do you mean?" Stan asked albeit knowing very well what she was trying to apologize for.

"For accusing you of cheating on me." She sobbed.

"Bebe." Stan said as he put his arm around her in an attempt to comfort her. "We both said we were sorry. And I forgave you for accusing me."

"T-That's not it though." She replied as she wiped some tears off her face with her jacket sleeve. "My…Ashley Jr. account…is real."

Stan, since he was aware of that fact already, remained calm after she said that.

"Well actually…I already knew that. The whole reason I came over here is because Kyle told me that that Earl kid knew that yours was one of the real ones. But…why Bebe?"

Bebe sniffled some more. "I-I made my account long before we got together. I was just trying to find some single boys, since I felt like none of the boys at school ever wanted me, especially after what happened with me and Kyle back in 3rd grade. My efforts proved to be fruitless and so I stopped using the site and I eventually forgot about it, even after we started going out. When this whole mess started, I remembered I had an account and I was worried you'd find it and think I cheated on you. I-I'm really sorry, I didn't want us to get mad at each other like we did."

"But what made you think I had an Ashley Jr. account?" Stan asked as he wiped some of her tears off her face with his hand.

"I-I was just scared. You're the first real boyfriend I've ever had, and when I heard the about all these false accounts and I remembered I had made one myself, I just wanted to make sure that you wouldn't cheat on me either."

Bebe cried a little more but started to calm down a little when Stan gave her a vomit-free kiss on the cheek.

"Bebe…you know I'm not that kind of guy. I wouldn't do that to you, first boyfriend or not."

"I know and…I-I'm sorry I ever thought you would. Are we still cool?"

Stan answered her by giving her another reassuring kiss without any vomit. She smiled and they sat there for a little while longer.

* * *

The next day, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman were standing at their usual bus stop waiting for Kenny to show up.

("Hey guys.") Kenny greeted his friends when he finally arrived.

"Hey Kenny."

"So did you ever find out if your mom had an affair with someone?" Kyle asked.

("Yeah I did. I finally confronted my parents directly last night, and as it turns out, those past few nights when my dad took a midnight stroll, my mom was with him. Neither of them were the people I saw in their bed.")

"Oh. Well then who did you see in their bed?" Kyle asked.

("Two random hobos that, according to my dad, have snuck into their bedroom twice a week now for the past two months.")

Cartman snickered. "Leave it to the poor kid to attract the poorer." Cartman sneered, eliciting hunched eyebrows from Kenny.

* * *

 **A/N: First off, I am so sorry this chapter took me two weeks to write and I'm sorry that this relatively short story took me three weeks to write. To be honest, when I started this story, I thought doing a spoof on Ashley Madison would be easy, but it wasn't very long until I got hit with severe writer's block every 500 words or so. And even with the writer's block aside, I still feel like this story wasn't as deep as I feel it should have been, so I apologize if you thought this story was too short or not fleshed out enough.**

 **But I at least hoped you like the heartfelt scene between Stan and Bebe near the end. :)**

 **And this means I still beat the show to a spoof on the Ashley Madison hack! :)**

 **Hopefully the next episode of Rad Fanon South Park won't have such a huge gap between updates. So keep your eyes peeled for episode 6 of Rad Fanon South Park! (Either episode 6 or 7 will be a Halloween special!)**

 **And as always, please leave your feedback!**


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